beautifulagony:
posted 2024-04-23 15:42:08
Dom said I was having anxiety and being secretive as well.
Honestly I felt like I was being gaslit
confidential:
posted 2024-04-23 11:08:19
the world must be ending because i find myself siding with liberals on a political issue. that issue being the palestine-israel conflict of course.
that doesn't stop me from laughing at the protestors for wearing face diapers, outside, in 2024
thewitch: Every day. Of my life. Always. So come and...
posted 2024-04-22 19:34:34
...take me away.
And we're back.
After a month of blocking his energy so I can focus on other things, I reopened the connection and he received the message.
There were a few things that prompted me to take this step. First of all, I received a message about these kinds of soul connections where it feels like if you join with this person that the world will end. That was very clearly speaking to this situation as it is exactly how I feel and have even mentioned as much in this very journal. That was eye-opening, and I felt the truth in that statement. He and I are so inextricably linked, it's undeniable.
And then, well, I felt the need for some comfort.
So I removed any blocks I had put up, and asked him last night to join me in the astral.
I was outside, searching for someone. It was night and I was in an unfamiliar neighbourhood. I heard dozens of wolves howling in the distance, and I felt fully surrounded. I felt like I had to find what I was looking for, but instead I went "home". It was a new home, like I had just moved in and there were so many people there, waiting for me to get back so we could go out. He was there, and I was so relieved to see him. I couldn't find my shoes, so I borrowed a pair from a friend that were too big and slightly broken. As we walked to our destination, he took me and held me close to him. I felt calm, protected, and comforted throughout the entire night as he never left my side. Once we were back home, It was like we finally were able to reunite after years of separation. He pulled me into bed and we embraced, loved each other, and settled into the knowing that we would never be separated again.
***
I'm not forcing anything. It's important that I let things happen as they're meant to. I have a habit of pushing and initiating and making more moves than necessary.
This has to happen differently. It has to come from him.
M.E. II:
posted 2024-04-22 11:11:40
Went on another date with TV producer yesterday …she’s just like my exes, but successful and significantly less attractive. Found her IG. She reeeeeally let herself go during the pandemic.
She’s fun to be around and talk to, but there’s too many relationship red flags.
If I was to peruse her romantically it would be as a stepping stone. What she could do for my creative endeavors.
That’s not right. I’d like to continue to be friends.
In other news these Puff Daddy rumors are WILD! Especially passing around Justin Bieber like a hoe.
I mean after those pictures of him partying with Puffy and Rick Ross he did start looking weird and drugged out and acting out…then the all the religious shit after.
I hope it’s not true…but damn, even if it’s not a lot of people believe it.
reply by s n a p s
reply by M.E. II
meep: Oh, the irony
posted 2024-04-18 21:53:28
No really. Why on earth would I be so stupid as to tell the universe that for a split second there, everything felt okay.
It's almost comical how quickly everything has come undone.
franklin:
posted 2024-04-18 20:39:19
American was great, but now it's a degenerate pile of shit that needs to be removed from this world. So of course I side with Iran. I mean which country is more conservative today, America or Iran?
s n a p s:
posted 2024-04-13 19:46:34
well how was your Friday night?
Last night I held pressure on an arm wound, squeezing two sides together in a sort of forbidden meat sandwich with subcutaneous fat threatening to leak out of it so that a resident could suture it. Before it was stitched back together again, Humpty Dumpty's muscles twitched in full view with each wiggle of his finger. I stood in the florescent brightness of the ER cubby, my feet moaning and my back whining, while the schizoaffective, homicidal, suicidal drunken manic offered his advice in an overall calm affect to the second year resident, and me, the old lady of the pod, wearing a partially torn sterile glove (just on the cuff it was okay).
I couldn't help it. When we first undressed the bandage the EMTS had placed, I told him his arm looked like a fancy steak I'd recently eaten on a cruise. He sort of laughed and my morbid dark er humor leaked out in a totally widely inappropriate manner but .. I think he forgot about it.
This same night I interviewed up on the isolated, protected upper floor of L/D. "are you sure you'd like it up here? we aren't as crazy".
Honestly I'm not so sure. I drove home today a buzz about whatever that pseudo surgery was. I do love women and babies but damn it I can never ever predict what will come in down in the trenches.
la brava ragazza: Please don't keep me waiting, 'cause I'm...
posted 2024-04-10 19:07:53
...so tired.
"This can only go on for so long. Right?"
I wrote those words almost four years ago. And while, it's true, we're not in the exact same place, we're still not where I imagined we'd be.
It feels like decades have passed since then. And yet, it feels like time has stood still.
As of now, the ball is in his court, so to speak. It's the last ditch effort.
And man, if that kind of language isn't telling?
So. Let's see what happens. But I am so tired of waiting. I refuse to wait any longer. It's now or never.
Gauntlet: Lost and scared
posted 2024-04-07 14:43:54
The pattern repeats itself until you learn the lesson. At least that's my hope. I have to hold onto that idea, cause at least then If I can solve the puzzle there's a way out.
The theory I'm coming up with right now, literally on the spot, is that I sacrifice every piece of myself I can to my relationships. My wife and I were very happy before having kids. We had our occasional hiccups, I still had problems with my depression and anxiety, but I was able to find my way out. I think I was more capable before having a child to take more time or space for myself. In the past I sacrificed parts of myself cause I was desperate to prove I was worthy, and if I wasn't hot enough, smart enough, rich enough, cool enough, at least I could mold myself into whatever else they may have needed to make it work. I could rescue them from their problems, I could put my needs aside and prioritize fixing their problems. I did this a lot, with a lot of different people. When my wife and I first got together, I was in a very healthy spot, I recognized these issues and had built up some confidence, and was comfortable enough being alone, I didn't NEED her, but I wanted her around. It's why we moved in togother, got engaged, it's why we got married, and ultimately it's a big reason why we felt comfortable having a child. During the pregnancy did everything I could to be a good husband and expectant father. After all she's carrying a damn child and sacrificing a lot to do that. So I sacrificed everything I could to help her any time I could. Then the labor came, and it was terrible, the whole experience just sucked so much. She was in pain, and scared and I just wanted to take it all away. Then our child came, if you aren't supposed to sacrifice yourself for girlfriends, surely you are supposed to for your child right? I did everything I could there too. My wife's anxiety was through the roof, she was scared and sleep deprived, this made her controlling and I did what I could to give her comfort. Besides what did I know about raising a baby? So I followed her directions in everything, I couldn't stand to see her so lost. It feels like it's been three and a half years of sacrifice. Of course there is plenty of food, but I'm here to vent the bad, or the difficult. For awhile it was not stop, I always felt like I was doing something wrong. They both always need something and I always give it to them.
Having a stay at home wife/mother has been far more difficult for me then I think having a sitter would've been. I spend all day at work and feel like she must be losing her mind at home trying to keep a toddler entertained, so I come home and I'm just stuck. I can't work around the house, I can't really relax, I can't go do anything I want to do. I used to go to the gym at 430 in the morning and I loved it. My wife wanted to go to the gym, if she works out at night it keeps her up, we can't both go to the gym, so I told her to go and I'd figure it out somehow. She goes Monday through Friday from 430 to 630, if I wake up I have to be quiet, I can't mess up our daughters sleep. I am basically stuck in our small ass room with my dog, who can be overly hyper and loud. Working out in the room is impossible, it's hard to get to my garage but that's been taken over by my daughters toys anyway, and leaving our dog alone means she just might decide to bark and wake up the baby. If I let her out back then she'll definitely bark and probably the whole time, and our babies room touches the back yard not to mention our dog barking at 4am isn't cool for the neighbors. So instead I stay up late on my phone and eat garbage. I'm probably 280lbs now, hell maybe even more. I feel old, I feel so much like shit. I look terrible, I don't have time or patience with my hair so I just wear a hat and never cut it. I'm embarrassed to get .y hair cut cause I find myself disgusting most of the time, and it feels like putting lipstick on a bulldog or whatever. Some part of my head thinks my barber will judge me for being fat and question why I even bother trying to make my hair look good.
All of this started because I've been having trouble desiring my wife sexually, or even romantically. I don't desire much sexually anyway, but I feel obligated to take care of her sexual needs but Im just so uninterested. We've had some problems with that in the past, so now it's like a tense thing in my head. When sex is brought up I get kind of tense and anxious. I don't feel like I can say no without there being a problem. When I do have desires it's always when our kid is up and around, so I can't act on them anyway.
I don't really know what to do, it feels a bit like a time bomb.
hi, I'm the problem, it's M.E.: Weird flex
posted 2024-03-31 11:57:33
I have a weird bias against zendaya…
Years Ago I went to visit my then gf at her job and they wouldn’t let me in because zendaya was there. I had no idea she was there and people at her job thought I was there to see zendaya…zendays is not attractive. She’s very talented, but her face reminds me of those troll dolls and She’s like the last chick on euphoria I would bang. I would bang the trans chick and the fat dominatrix chick on Euphorbia waaaaay before I would bang zendaya.
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